5 Things I Wish More Parents Knew About Their Child’s Mental Health (Inspired by Dr Billy Garvey)

There are a lot of parenting books out there. Some are helpful. Some are… different (you know the ones where every child calmly labels their feelings while eating quinoa).

Then there are the ones that actually reflect real life.

One I’ve been recommending a lot lately is Ten Things I Wish You Knew About Your Child’s Mental Health. It’s grounded, practical, and—importantly—kind to both kids and parents.

Rather than trying to cover all ten ideas, I’ve pulled out five that come up again and again in therapy rooms—and what you can actually do with them.

1. Behaviour Always Has a Reason

(Even when it looks like chaos)

One of the biggest traps we fall into is treating behaviour as the problem. But every behaviour serves a purpose, has a reason. The behaviour is usually the signal, not the issue.

Tantrums, shutdowns, defiance, “not listening”—these are often a child’s way of saying: "I’m overwhelmed, ”I don’t have the skills for this yet,” or “I need connection, not correction.”

👉 Practical strategy: Become a detective, not a judge

• Instead of “What’s wrong with them?”, try “What’s going on for them?”

• Look for patterns: when does it happen? fatigue, hunger, transitions?

• Ask (when calm): “What was going on for you then?”

  
  

You don’t need perfect insight—just curiosity.

2. The Relationship Comes Before the Rules

(Yes, even when they’ve just ignored you for the third time)

We often feel like we need to “hold the line” to be effective parents. But here’s the kicker: kids are far more likely to follow boundaries from someone they feel connected to.

Connection isn’t a reward for good behaviour. It’s the foundation that makes behaviour change possible.

👉 Practical strategy: Invest during calm moments

• 10 minutes of undivided attention (no phone, no multitasking)

• Follow their lead in play or conversation

• Show interest in their world—even if it’s Minecraft, TikTok, or dinosaurs for the 400th time

  
  

Think of it like a relationship bank account—you need deposits before you can make withdrawals.

3. Meet Kids Where They’re At (Not Where We Think They “Should” Be)

(Age ≠ skill level)

One of the most quietly powerful ideas: just because a child is a certain age doesn’t mean they’ve developed the skills we expect. We often say things like: “They should know better by now.” But “should” doesn’t build skills—support does.

👉 Practical strategy: Adjust expectations, then scaffold

• Break tasks into smaller steps and support them to master it

• Offer prompts instead of assuming independence

• Teach skills in the moment, not after the fact. And that says in the moment, NOT in the meltdown

  
  

If a child could do it consistently, they would. If they can’t, it’s a skills gap—not a flaw.

4. There’s No Such Thing as a “Bad Kid”

(Just kids having a hard time)

This one matters. Labels like “naughty,” “difficult,” or “attention-seeking” stick quickly—and shape how adults respond.

But underneath almost every “challenging” child is a mix of:

• unmet needs

• lagging skills

• or overwhelming emotions

  
  

👉 Practical strategy: Separate the child from the behaviour

• “That behaviour isn’t okay” instead of “You’re being bad”

• Name the struggle: “That was really hard for you, hey?” 

• Reinforce identity: “You’re a good kid having a tough moment” 

  
  

Kids tend to grow into the story we tell about them—so choose that story carefully.

5. Your Mental Health Matters Too

(Not as a bonus. As a starting point.)

This is the one many parents skip—and the one that often makes the biggest difference. Supporting kids is demanding. It brings up our own stress, our own childhood stuff, and our own limits. And when we’re running on empty, everything feels harder.

Looking after your own wellbeing isn’t selfish—it increases your capacity to support your child.

👉 Practical strategy: Small, realistic resets

• Lower the bar (seriously—lower it)

• Tag-team support where possible (partner, family, school)

• Take short breaks instead of waiting for a big one

• Talk to someone when things feel stuck

  
  

You don’t need to be a perfect parent. You just need to be a supported one.

Final Thought

If there’s a common thread through all of this, it’s this: Kids don’t need us to be perfect. They need us to be present, curious, and willing to adjust. And maybe—on the harder days—that starts with adjusting expectations of ourselves too.

Want the Other 5?

These are just half of the ideas from Ten Things I Wish You Knew About Your Child’s Mental Health—and honestly, the rest are just as valuable. If this resonated, I’d strongly recommend reading the book (or listening to the audiobook if you’re more of a “consume while driving / walking / hiding from your kids for 5 minutes” type).